На път...

Travelling. This summer I had the marvelous opportunity to travel a lot. Starry Spain, green Switzerland, fresh Italy, proud Croatia and tumoiled Serbia… You all have taken a piece of my heat, I’ve been honestly fascinated by some of your dignities or another. Indeed I were. I didn’t miss you, Bulgaria… But that doesn’t mean I was not constantly thinking about you. 
I moved, you stayed there, still, resigned to you children running away from you, leaving you solitaire in your elderness. You never moaned, never complained, contrariwise – you eagerly let them go, smiling at them as you waved goodbye.
An old sovietic anecdote says “Open the frontiers, Todor Jivkov – firstly the thieves and murderers will run. Better for you, let the other countries chase them and judge them. Then the ones who consider themselves underestimated will leave. Better for you – if they can’t gain their live here, they will neither do it abroad. Then, Todore, the intelligent ones will start to leave – close the borders then! Don’t let them go!”
And what do you do, my dear Bulgaria? You are banishing exactly those intelligent youngsters, who, just like Botev, Bruchkov and so many others are bound to wander around the world in search of brighter future…
Me duele, Bulgaia… Tsaibod, Gadina, Kalotina… An anxiety conquers my heart… I’m going home! After 600 hours staring at your highways and pretty villages, digne West Europe, I’m finally going home, at my cosy, green, old, simple Bularia. Thank you, West Europe, without you and your beauty I’d never have been able to appreciate so deeply the uniqueness of my birth place…
Sofia - nowhere near perfect, for sure, but somehow... cosy, familiar, smiling, sunny, embrassing me with its maternal ambience...
Geneve…  Luxurious hotels, dazzling views, cleanness…  And a melody! “You’re beautiful, my forest”! A young man playing it! “Are you a Bulgarian?”, I ask him. “Yes!!!! But I live in Spain since I was 13… I’m here to gain some money and I go back home, in Villalba, afterwards… ”. “Enhorabuena, my friend… And... I'm sorry”, I say blushing as I give him only 20 cents…
Lutzern…  A public toilet that’s payed…  1 ch or you pee in your pants… Unless you are a  Bulgarian…Poverty leads to creativity… And no, dear Lutzernians, it’s no near funny and you should not laugh...
Saltsburg - breakfast. Sandwiches and marmalades are being sliently hidden in the travel bags. No sign of shame.. Full plates, people devouring a quantity of food that a normal person will have for two days.. Then trendy clothes are put on, make up... "take me a pic at the central place, sunshine! Thank you, now I can proove I've been in this city.". "Shaw we enter in a musium, darling?". "No need, my love - 3 ch the ticket... Moreover, I want to see the Zara shop... you promised me a new skirt...  come on, my love!"... Йебига! Is that how we really are?... Decline...
Then again my companies don’t get it. “Beautiful, clean Switzerland! That naughty, durty Bulgaria! Here everything’s perfect. I wish I were born in Western Euope…. “You do? I don’t! I like it, I’m curious to see it and thus compare it to my home, but nothing more… We have our history – 18 centuries of greatness and fights!, we have our nature – unique in it’s wonderfulness, we have our traditions, music, art, we have our natural intelligence… We have our dignity! You, who keeps admiring Western beauties mindlessly, you, my dear,  it's you who leads Bulgaria to its grave...
"Así es, en este país..." - you will go on. Mhm, continue complaining, moaring... You're doing it great! Keep doing it - nothing will change, you'll be the same lame. Congratulations!
 Yes, I feel sorry for you, Bulgaria… You deserve more…  At least you deserve proud and brave sons that would fight for you and wouldn’t abandon you… Alas, we are not such ones. We are a bunch of ambitious youngsters, perfectionists, tired of this constant fight for betterness, wondering for an easier life and a fair salary for our knowledge and qualifications… We’re betraying you, but you rest still, calm, and simply smile at us, while you bleed to death in yourself!
Yet again I write all this in English… Hilarious! A patriot-betrayer. Forgive me, I’ve changed a lot. I’ve left a piece of my heart with all the people I’ve met all along my journeys, it’s inevitable…  However, my dear Bulgaria, however much I’ve changed and I’ll change, I keep being - and I'll keep being it! -  a Bulgarian before all. I keep dreaming of you and, yes, suffering for you, smiling gently as I see you progress. I've forgiven you everything you've done to me (and what you still do) and... I will be back, some day... I won’t judge you for your misery – on the contrary, I’ll be one of the many that will be proud of it and will help you emerge from the dust. Carry on Bulgaria, carry on, Bulgarians, nothing is lost yet!

Здравей!

Doomed, oh,s othey call you, strength!

Again, your music – soft piano! –

Nicely plays… A magical

Illuminating song – Insomnia…

Dualidad personal (Двойнственост)

И питам аз с възмущение
      „Кому е нужно твойто откровение?!”
А ти ме гледаш, тъжна и самотна,
И шепнеш тихичко, сиротна:

„Ти си, девойко, едничка.
Едничка, моя мъничка звездичка.
За теб - девойко - все жалея!,
За твоята усмивка как копнея.”

А аз те гледам диво, ах, свирепо
       И виквам „НЕ!
                  Държанието ти е нелепо!”
И вдигам ръка да те ударя
И всичко ценно да покваря.

„- Спри!
    - Недей!
        -  Мисли!”
Жално ще ме молиш
                              ти.
Ала уви,
     не би!
Жестокостта ми пак  ще ме сломи...

Кръв изтича тихо, самота -
Галено приспива черната вина...
Не - не ще намеря аз спасение,
За това спести ми твойто откровение.

Болка, страх, гняв, омраза –
Тези ще са моята пpоказа.
Но ти ела... Не се плаши...
Ела, момиче, и ме прегърни!

И нека заедно пропаднем в тъмнината
Или се извисим там горе, в небесата...
Аз и ти, рожби на една вина,
Посестрими в борбата със света...

Dionaea

Silence. Suddenly the whole world went mute, leaving me helplessly alone. My pupils widened in a fruitless attempt to gather more light. Alas! I was blind and deaf in the middle of the forest, a place where no weakness is accepted. I was doomed and I knew it. Feverishly, my hands grouped around, searching for salvation – a help, protection… Ah! Acute pang pierced my palm, making me pull it back horrified. Red blood crimsoned the snow. No chance I slipped her attention… Despair enslaved my mind, immobilizing my body. I was about to die here, all alone, ripped up fiercely, one of her nameless victims. I was to be forgotten, erased from the face of the Earth, and my spirit, fated to wander among this icy desert, should never rest in peace… Tears flushed from my eyes when I visualized my foreboding future and my wounded soul cowed before the nightmare that was lurking ominously among the trees…. My wrist was getting numb with cold, I couldn’t feel my fingers any more… Even though I was blind, I was perfectly conscious that soon my body would freeze and thus it wouldn’t be in its power to save me form her deadly embrace…
    Out of a sudden I felt stronger. No, she wouldn’t conquer me! I wouldn’t let her satisfy her avid huger with my flesh, condemning my soul to eternal sufferings. Implying superhuman efforts, I gripped the dagger that had teared up my skin, and stood up, aiming it at the oncoming evil. I wasn’t a dead man yet and my last chance to survive was this fight…
    An intoxicant aroma invaded my senses… Vanilla… It penetrated deep into my mind, enchaining my consciousness, vanquishing all my defenses… My heart was about to explode… That scent… Her scent… She had found me… She was coming for me…
    Then I saw her… Slowly approaching towards me, she was dazzling. Her fine white dress was shining so brightly that I couldn’t help closing my eyes. An useless attempt to protect them… However I was well aware that my current sufferings were nowhere near as cruel as the pain that this graceful lonewild’s kiss was going to cause me. I fought my instincts and opened my eyes.
    Icy fire devoured my brain the moment I met her look! So tender and mild, as if it was promising me love – sincere, vehement, bizarre!; her face was irradiating peace and goodness; her skin, - that gentle, transparent skin! – was perfectly smooth; her long blond hair was making her look angelical… Her rose-red lips curved into a shy smile… What a beautiful creature! Exceptional! So innocent, so gentle… The dagger thudded on the snow, but she never even glanced it. Her emerald eyes were fixed on me…I was moving towards her, just one step and she would be mine… She was an angel, my guardian angel… She couldn’t possibly hurt me!!!
    Then I saw it…I saw that flickering victorious flame in her eyes. Just for a second, but enough for me to wake up. I stepped aside in horror and grouped around for the dagger. The lonewild realized she had lost her power over me and in a blink of an eye the graceful young girl transformed into a huge lamia!
    Should I run? But where! I was doomed…Desperate, I was searching for the razor, while the dragon was preparing to have dinner with me… Then a miracle occurred! Unintentionally, my hand made a bizarre curve and gripped the dagger. In less than a second I pierced the heart of the beast…
     Fearful roar echoed in the coldness. The dragon collapsed on the snow. Yet it was not the lamia any more… She was back again, my angelical lonewild… She was dying… Her eyes were begging me for help… I let the dagger fall on the snow and stepped back, unable to avert my eyes from her… I could see no blood – only the light she irradiated intensified. It blurred the curves of her perfect body, evaporating it into fine fume that flew towards the stars…
     I could now see the sky, the forest, the snow and the pool of blood I was standing in. I was alive, indeed I were… But I could sense a part of me had died with her. Immobilized, I stood there, my blood running, my body freezing… I didn’t care… Nor could I feel the pain. I was numb… My gaze was directed towards the stars, towards her, my angelical lonewild.
     It might have been a minute, it might have been a week later when I was finally found. Dozens of people encircled me, talked to me. I couldn’t hear them. My mind, it was out there, among the stars… I couldn’t either fight those people, my body wouldn’t obey my mind. But what I could do, - and believe me I was doing desperately! -, was to shout in my mind “Leave me! I want to live! She’s up there waiting for me! My beautiful lonewild…”