Crossing the street

-         -  Did you understand? – she asked me, concernedly severe as if she’d just given me instructions before I go all alone to a japanese forest with no arms.

I was sitting on the desk, just next to her, and was lazily following the mouse on the desktop with tired eyes.

-        -   So?

Why was it that important to her to get the answer? Sure I understood the situation and I needed no recall of how poorly miserable I would be.

I nodded: a mistake: new avalanch: explications: tension: shouter: guilt…

-         -  I’ll be fine, don’t worry. – I said and rushed towards the door under the concerned look of hers.

-        -   And please leave that bike! – she shoulted after me.

It feels dizzy, the summer. The heat and the trafic make it even worse. And the city? You’re just another hamster in it, rolling down the streets…

I went out and jumped on my bike as if it was my only chance to escape the inner tension.

-       -    Please give me the calm I need… - I was thinking while I was serpentining among the cars.

Don’t do that at home: being dizzy and “driving”, even an non-motorised vehicle, can be dangerous. Relieving – I know!!!! -  but dangerous… It doesn’t matter if you’re contemplating the moon, dreaming away with the wind, or seeing metaphores in the road you’re driving along, it’s all very dang…

Tras! A crash! Wow, for fuck’s sake! Am I ok? I think so… It almost got me, fuck…Concentrate, concentrate!

-          - So , when will we see Leo?

-        -   I don’t need his help right now, thank you. I’ll tell you if I need it, ok?

-        -   Why not? He’ll find something just for you. I have friends, they can help you… - he does not understand…

-          - Alright, but please let me try it on my own first. It’s not a childish stubborness what I do… - tired, but firm voice comes out of my mouth.

-        -   Right! – furious. – do you know what you’re doing? Do you have something like a plan?!

t    There's no need you to react like this, man...

-        -   I do. I have my own ideas and I want to try it on my own. – I’m still calm? I’m afraid yes, apatically calm…

-       -    Fine then. 

Going home… Moving, that’s the feeling… Empty, dark, cold, windy, lonely road towards home… Or at least in my head.  A drifter. What if I don’t know? What if I can’t make it on my own? What if I’m not capable of leading this batle? What if… Does they have a point? Should I accpet what they propose me?

-        -   Hey, you! – “are you talking to me?!” – yes, you! – it’s a driver next to me at the traffic lights, well I’m waiting at the middle of the road, just like a real car – you’re really cool, girl, I do admire you for your bravery with the bike! Just put on a helmet the next time, ok?

-         -  Sure!

Green light – go!

Alone, but not exacly. I’m moving, that’s the feeling… indeed. Not a drifter anymore. Fragile – probably, but not as to never give it a try. After all it can’t be that hard, can it? Just as following the traffic in Sofia – it’s not about keeping your fingers crossed, but keep looking for a way to cross even if it seems hopelessly stucked. ¡ Adelante! 

P.S.  Dear myself, don´t let me forget it! J